Hey all, between spending time with my baby and work and the spare time it's been hard to collect my thoughts as they're all over, i'm consumed and starved by my thoughs and lack of, at the same time. Still chershing my disparity and lonliness i've found ways to feel that aching hole of nothing, but i don't know anyone here to share that with. It's pretty lonely not having anyone to experience my lonliness with, no one i've known here or back home knows how to embrace that, so why am i sour? One thing i know for sure is when certain needs aren't met by my normal surroundings, i start to write, trying again and again to break my seclusion from feeling alone from no one that understands it.

It's been a good year, i'm proud of myself and what i've accomplished, but i don't do things for the sensation of accomplishment, i do it to adapt and survive. People constantly ask me if i miss Hawaii & my family there, i tell them...i miss my dogs. I miss my Nephews & Nieces and the company we keep, but that's it. I apologize, this isn't a very well conducted post, as i've said it's difficult composing my thoughts, i think a couple previous posts, have had that air about it too. I need to leave this world again, but for my own good, not for the sake of writing, however it may juice my brain up, but as in my poems i hate repeating myself, even at other angles. I've felt a little more inadequate than usual...invisible.

It's been a great year, although it's not quite over yet, the fall and early winter were always times of reflection and pondering of the year before, i knew exactly where i was last year on Christmas, everything...i've been leaving this world more often in great detail of seeing where i lived, events, conversations, friends. I can't explain what i'm talking about, it's too weird for you to grasp, i still feel like i'm my own species, no matter how i intergrate with society, it's a great act. I'm trying to post on my feelings of this year as a reflective look back on last year, but i can't help to expess what i feel like now. It reminds me of a part of an old poem, "I can't tell you what i'm thinking when i tell you what i'm feeling." 
                                                              Merry Christmas

Long time no comment Been checking on you just didn't have much to say. I hope your new year is the best yet!