Wow it's been a whole year since i've come to live in Massachusetts. It feels it, and yet it doesn't, feels longer, but when the date came down, it felt like it was all a week....strange. I think a little homesickness finally kicked in two nights ago when Cheryl and i were walking Emily at night, because one of my fondest memories was walking her down our street.

A few moments ago i lay writhing in bed uneasy and aggravated at my insomnia, which after being impaled by souls from the past, i started realizing that i almost always have insomnia because i'm being plagued by my conscience. Thoughts of things, and people done and seen in the past, this past week i've been followed by such breath stunting memories. I never thought in the lives i've previously lived in my lifetime would i be chased and assaulted. Never fearing the repercussions...of course this was all before i discovered karma and existentialism, what you put into this universe will come back down. It seemed i've put too much on my cosmic plate without thinking about how it's all going to be eaten. I've been so much of a starter, and not so much of a finisher, thinking it right doing it wrong.

I had a feeling i was going to get a visit from my karmic guardian, i just didn't see it coming like this. I've mended my ways of loving and leaving, but never mended those that i left, all those torsos in the closet.  It seems like the people i've left behind will always think of me with the impression i've left them. It's not my problem, but the emotion is probing. I've evolved more than a thousand times.

Much like the caterpillar in the garden whom the birds and squirrels mock for changing , they say he's crazy, but he knows that they are trapped in an infinite state of static animation, no change. And he shows them how feeble they are by climbing the tree to transform, to speak a new language, change doesn't happen overnight so in the time he is in his cocoon, he is relating his data learned on the ground and trees, to the sky, how crazy is he now?

I feel so cursed, so tortured by so many things. I will never get sleep, so be the reason i am so youthful? To forever ponder and fend off my demons over my sleep. I am not one person, yet i cannot define myself by man's language. I can only be the me people publicly see when that time is that time. I'm eternally suffocating, shrink-wrapped by my memories. I cannot answer one question without considering the universe, i am not two dimensional, everything is linked, everything connected. Sometimes i feel like i'm talking to myself because the world will not shed their shell, and climb in the same tree with me.... but one i know will, Runningwind.

                                                     See You Space Cowboy...

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