As you've read from previous posts written in the seasons of wither, i have a cathartic embrace with Autumn. Rounding out the years' end is a very emotional look back at the entire mess. My mind usually retreats to very somber memories of the past and the oh so sad rain. My Tharsis, the eternal hole in the city, the crying alley where i've  spent nights under the narrow alcove, tapped constantly buy the calming rains, volleying me between my conscious and conscience realms.

The lonely Christmas evening i spent sitting on a fire hydrant playing with superstition under the ceasing rain. As i waited for a car to cart my soul to my four corners, a black cat from across the street shared it's sorrow of lonilness with me, i'm not a cat guy, but i like em okay. He or she jumped into my lap as if it were mine. I stroked it and and talked aloud to it. As my ride came i wished it never did. Yeah i'm dark, but in a good way. All of those emotions that i've held only festered in me. So i got rid of the really bad ones and held onto the ones of true sadness. Sometimes i want to lose myself again, in fact i'm really eager to, but i can't just leave home, i'd have to leave a note for my lovely wife, but then if i do, i won't be lost. I've found a nice underpass to sit under.

I'm not or have ever been normal, nor do i strive to be. I carry my 50 pounds of blues on my back, i can never escape the blackness, because i've made it my home, and it's home in me. I don't want people to think i'm down or depressed, this is a part of me that will be here forever, no matter how good i'm doing throughout the day, week, so on. There has always been two me's and two realities that lie within each, and then some. Life is not one reality but it is the one that most people only know or choose to appeal themselves to. "We exist in a world where the fear of illusion is real, and we cling to the past to deny and confuse the ideal, once inside we can see and believe in a god we can feel." Temptation - The Tea Party

My mind's eye has always been a positive, strong and furtive tool that i've always wielded to help those around me and those that are connected indirectly. Last year i was blessed with the gift and chosen to be a medicine man. A gift that i've refused  for the past 5 years. I've been scolded by bald eagles in my dreams and elders. The responsibility scared me as it does any young man living the life of Simba exiled. But the responsibility grants the powers of sight,  knowledge and understanding of all living things. Sometimes we don't like what we see but it comes with the responsibility.

I've always expressed that my Autumn song was native in nature. Sometimes when we look back, leave the world for 10 minutes and come back we realize we've known concretely what we've always known.


[Bill Tiger, you are remembered.]

                                                          See You Space Ndn...

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