I really didn't want to post about this, but as i had freed myself by writing my poetry, and this being an extension of them, i will. For anyone who had read the "Will Heaven Help You" post, this has do do with my father, pretty much closing up the whole post. By the way i purposely left out the question mark in the title, because its intent is to form question and impose thought.

Last week early Sunday morning i watched The Devil's Advocate, and noticing the sweet and sour similarities Pacino's character had in common with my father. Always a salesman, with ability to manipulate the conversation with charm and a sharp tongue. My father died last January 20th, i was and am still torn, i don't know how i'm ever going to get over it, his death and why i care so much for someone who didn't share the same care for my mother and me. As i watch i remembered that when i was getting to know him, his phone wasn't working because he nor his current wife had paid the bill. Out of my cursed caring heart i payed the $84.14 unknown to both of them.

He had a heart attack and at the exact time i had payed the bill, someone called his house, his wife answered then phone, then hung up to call the paramedics. She called me an angel, she didn't know what she was going to do. So much sympathy, he saved the devil...so much conflict within myself. It made me think that he made me save him, yeah the devil made me do it. The first person i've ever wanted to kill since i was 7. Given by blood his sin, wrath heh... i never thought about how he saved me until now granting me salvation from the result of my wrath. Was he really saving me or was it an advantage of his  for me to be tempted by his powers of influence over the police. Which to mention was happened on December 21st of a year forgotten.

Anyway...why do i still feel so bad for him, i think i feel bad for myself, people hated me because who my father was, it made me feel like i'm the only one who's going to love him. I even had the feeling sunk into my bones that my mother disliked me too because i looked so much like him, loving me at arms length. I still get so choked up now seeing a father and son playing and being with each other, i'm so happy for them yet so bitter with myself.

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